Bambhooo, Bambhoooo

A lot of the natives here are like that Harry Enfield character, Tim Nice but Dim except perhaps a little less nice and definitely more dim. I have especially noticed this in Bangkok, perhaps that's because everyone is living on top of each other and after a while it becomes simply too difficult to ignore their intelectual shortfalls, but when you reflect, wouldn't that be typical wherever you were living? I mean imagine 16 million Wiganers crammed into a relatively small and very hot city with acute traffic and sanitation problems.

In the case of Thailand and dimness we don't have to look much further than to their democratically elected Prime Minister, listen to him speak about anything and if you're not laughing, believe you me, you'll be crying. Consider that they spent a fortune on a coup, risked ruining ties with their beloved American Dad, lost a fortune in 'free' trade and tourism, re-wrote the constitution, disbanded the corrupt ousted political party and then when another party appeared with a different name and said we're that old party's lap dog (the one that caused all those terrible problems, mass demonstrations in Bangkok and whose leader was blatantly fiddling you), the people were given a choice and the larger majority, remarkably voted for that very lap dog party. What a worthwhile activity that turned out to be! Funnily enough the democratically elected Mr Popular is now hankering to have the new re-written consitution revoked/ammended/decimated, which would be the ultimate cherry on the cream cake of ultimate futility.

They're also linguistic numpties which makes teaching English or learning their language a complete nightmare. As it's coming up to my fifth anniversary since I first lived amongst these (on occasion) simple minded people I think I'm qualified to comment.

It is quite ironic how when speaking their language you have to get the exact correct sound or they have no idea what you are talking about, I mean what could I possibly be saying to you laundry woman? Can you please iron my shirt too, or have you got any salt and pepper please? How does Rajadamri sound like Ratchada to a Bangkok taxi driver if you don't say Rajadamreeeeee, the other day we had to save two Chinese people who were being taken for a ride (literally), when they said Lang Suan Lum, the taxi driver took them to Soi Rang Nam. But (and this is the irony) they cannot audibly replicate anything, anything at all, I have yet to meet one Westerner whose name they get correct, it's not difficult to repeat exactly the same sound you just heard, Paul, Pon, no Paul, Porn, Paul, Ron ad infinitum. They even correct you on English words, computer, no computeeeerrrrrrrr. So I think I'm being fair with my 'occasionally simple minded' statement, especially if we restrict this view to the arenas of politics and linguistics.

The other week in the park brought a great example of niceness and dimness, these lovely old dears were cooing at Bamboo, as locals tend to do. The natives seem to be obsessed with him, I can't complain about that but it does get worrying when full blown lepers jump out the the sewer and start licking him. Anyway, back to the old dears, Dtocky went to do her aerobics and as these old dears were all dying for a cuddle of Bamboo, I took him over to their park bench. Oh, they loved him (who wouldn't?) but then they asked his name. (Oh god please don't ask for his name, I'm sure my family in England share the same feeling)

We've come to a point where we know that hardly anybody gets his name correct, they are so linguistically challenged they can't say Bamboo or Dylan even (I often wonder if there's anything they can say apart from Mai mee, jing law). Bamboo comes out Baboon (even his Laotion grandad says Baboon ffs), Barun, Bamoo, Babool, Bamoon and just about anything possible but the correct one and Dylan comes out Dirron. We have however devised a system, if they look slightly intelligent then we say Bamboo (you can usually judge a Bangkoker's intelligence by checking their eyes, sometimes you can see brain activity behind them) but usually they have that numb nut glazed look to them, on those many occasions we say Donpai which is Thai for Bamboo so at least they grasp the concept.

So when the old dears asked, cheeu arrai ka (name what please?), I checked their eyes, they appeared to be fronting a functioning CPU with a functioning light emitter display so I said (oh god why did I say it) "Bamboo", confused looks, (Oh please no, I'll try again slowly B a m b o o) Barun? no Bamboo, Bamoo? Help, Help, Eject, Eject, switch to Thai "Don Pai" now they were really confused "Don Pai passaa Thai ber waa Bamboo passaa Angrit..." I waited with bated breath, cogs and wheels turned, one of those lucky Chinese cookies almost fell out and then they got it "Bambhoooo,", "yes", "yes, Bamboo, that's it", "Bambhooo," and then the old lady in the middle started pulling a face at me like a speech therapist would and continued, trying to get me to copy her "Bambhoooo," encouraging nods and smiles looking deep into my eyes for confirmation that I have grasped how to pronounce my own son's name "Bambhoooo"

So there you go, Bangkokers must be the only people in this whole universe, that when you're introducing your own son to them they will correct you on how you pronounce his name? And before you start with your 'perhaps they were just checking pronunciation blah blah' they weren't, they established the correct pronunciation in school, I could see that when Don Pai triggered Bamboo'

So there you go.

Take it East