One of the many benefits of working legally in Thailand apart from the fact that it massively impinges on your freedom of choice of employer is that when you leave the country for any period of time you have to purchase a re-entry visa so that your existing visa isn't invalidated (what nonsense, I suppose Thais leaving the country invalidate their citizenship by the same logic). This of course costs 1000 baht and takes a small era to obtain from the immigration office on Sathorn. Did I write benefits? Sorry I meant something else beginning with 'b' and ending with 's'.
All credit to those down at immigration, they've designed not only a million and one ridiculous ways to extort money from Johnny Foreigner, they've designed a a queueing system with numbered tickets and counters and digital signs to help make that feeling of being screwed over that much more comfortable and organised.
When you enter the office you queue up for your relevant form (re-entry, lost passport, god bothering missionary visa etc.). Then you go and fill it in, glue your picture to it and go back and queue up for the number I mentioned earlier.
You do all of this, unless, you are a fat Indian cow in a bright pink sari made of enough material to unravel all the way to Kolkata, and a tilak the size of the same city's circumference stuck on your forehead. In that case the system doesn't apply to you and you may negate it by sheer obstinate will.
I mean queue pushing and then quoting Thai maxims such as 'jai yen yen' and 'mai pen rai' is one thing (and she did), but then trying to push in front when you have a ticket that reads 172 and the number at the board is still at 165 is in another dimension, especially when it's at the climax of a two hour wait. It takes some front trying to break the empirical laws of the numerical system.
On pointing out her basic faux pas, she had the cheek to ask 'why you cause problem?' On responding it's not your turn and you're screwing up the system causing everyone who's waiting their turn to wait longer,' she shouted '171 go home,' I replied 'yes but 166, 167, 168, 169 are all still waiting' she shouted 'why you fighting?' At this point, I considered for the first time ever, why Winston Churchill declared in response to requests to send food to India at the height of the Bengal famine of the early 1940s: 'I hate Indians. They are a beastly people with a beastly religion.' (I'm not even a fan of Churchill's apart from his Mary Astor comment, but you get my point)
I think my Grandad Booth had a similar problem with queueing and Indians and he affirmed at the time 'in England we queue'. I could of course be mistaken on this point but if I'm not, I definitely derived his queueing gene and hope it will be passed on to Bamboo.
Take it Easter than India
Saturday, March 29, 2008
Sunday, March 23, 2008
Bambhooo, Bambhoooo
A lot of the natives here are like that Harry Enfield character, Tim Nice but Dim except perhaps a little less nice and definitely more dim. I have especially noticed this in Bangkok, perhaps that's because everyone is living on top of each other and after a while it becomes simply too difficult to ignore their intelectual shortfalls, but when you reflect, wouldn't that be typical wherever you were living? I mean imagine 16 million Wiganers crammed into a relatively small and very hot city with acute traffic and sanitation problems.
In the case of Thailand and dimness we don't have to look much further than to their democratically elected Prime Minister, listen to him speak about anything and if you're not laughing, believe you me, you'll be crying. Consider that they spent a fortune on a coup, risked ruining ties with their beloved American Dad, lost a fortune in 'free' trade and tourism, re-wrote the constitution, disbanded the corrupt ousted political party and then when another party appeared with a different name and said we're that old party's lap dog (the one that caused all those terrible problems, mass demonstrations in Bangkok and whose leader was blatantly fiddling you), the people were given a choice and the larger majority, remarkably voted for that very lap dog party. What a worthwhile activity that turned out to be! Funnily enough the democratically elected Mr Popular is now hankering to have the new re-written consitution revoked/ammended/decimated, which would be the ultimate cherry on the cream cake of ultimate futility.
They're also linguistic numpties which makes teaching English or learning their language a complete nightmare. As it's coming up to my fifth anniversary since I first lived amongst these (on occasion) simple minded people I think I'm qualified to comment.
It is quite ironic how when speaking their language you have to get the exact correct sound or they have no idea what you are talking about, I mean what could I possibly be saying to you laundry woman? Can you please iron my shirt too, or have you got any salt and pepper please? How does Rajadamri sound like Ratchada to a Bangkok taxi driver if you don't say Rajadamreeeeee, the other day we had to save two Chinese people who were being taken for a ride (literally), when they said Lang Suan Lum, the taxi driver took them to Soi Rang Nam. But (and this is the irony) they cannot audibly replicate anything, anything at all, I have yet to meet one Westerner whose name they get correct, it's not difficult to repeat exactly the same sound you just heard, Paul, Pon, no Paul, Porn, Paul, Ron ad infinitum. They even correct you on English words, computer, no computeeeerrrrrrrr. So I think I'm being fair with my 'occasionally simple minded' statement, especially if we restrict this view to the arenas of politics and linguistics.
The other week in the park brought a great example of niceness and dimness, these lovely old dears were cooing at Bamboo, as locals tend to do. The natives seem to be obsessed with him, I can't complain about that but it does get worrying when full blown lepers jump out the the sewer and start licking him. Anyway, back to the old dears, Dtocky went to do her aerobics and as these old dears were all dying for a cuddle of Bamboo, I took him over to their park bench. Oh, they loved him (who wouldn't?) but then they asked his name. (Oh god please don't ask for his name, I'm sure my family in England share the same feeling)
We've come to a point where we know that hardly anybody gets his name correct, they are so linguistically challenged they can't say Bamboo or Dylan even (I often wonder if there's anything they can say apart from Mai mee, jing law). Bamboo comes out Baboon (even his Laotion grandad says Baboon ffs), Barun, Bamoo, Babool, Bamoon and just about anything possible but the correct one and Dylan comes out Dirron. We have however devised a system, if they look slightly intelligent then we say Bamboo (you can usually judge a Bangkoker's intelligence by checking their eyes, sometimes you can see brain activity behind them) but usually they have that numb nut glazed look to them, on those many occasions we say Donpai which is Thai for Bamboo so at least they grasp the concept.
So when the old dears asked, cheeu arrai ka (name what please?), I checked their eyes, they appeared to be fronting a functioning CPU with a functioning light emitter display so I said (oh god why did I say it) "Bamboo", confused looks, (Oh please no, I'll try again slowly B a m b o o) Barun? no Bamboo, Bamoo? Help, Help, Eject, Eject, switch to Thai "Don Pai" now they were really confused "Don Pai passaa Thai ber waa Bamboo passaa Angrit..." I waited with bated breath, cogs and wheels turned, one of those lucky Chinese cookies almost fell out and then they got it "Bambhoooo,", "yes", "yes, Bamboo, that's it", "Bambhooo," and then the old lady in the middle started pulling a face at me like a speech therapist would and continued, trying to get me to copy her "Bambhoooo," encouraging nods and smiles looking deep into my eyes for confirmation that I have grasped how to pronounce my own son's name "Bambhoooo"
So there you go, Bangkokers must be the only people in this whole universe, that when you're introducing your own son to them they will correct you on how you pronounce his name? And before you start with your 'perhaps they were just checking pronunciation blah blah' they weren't, they established the correct pronunciation in school, I could see that when Don Pai triggered Bamboo'
So there you go.
Take it East
In the case of Thailand and dimness we don't have to look much further than to their democratically elected Prime Minister, listen to him speak about anything and if you're not laughing, believe you me, you'll be crying. Consider that they spent a fortune on a coup, risked ruining ties with their beloved American Dad, lost a fortune in 'free' trade and tourism, re-wrote the constitution, disbanded the corrupt ousted political party and then when another party appeared with a different name and said we're that old party's lap dog (the one that caused all those terrible problems, mass demonstrations in Bangkok and whose leader was blatantly fiddling you), the people were given a choice and the larger majority, remarkably voted for that very lap dog party. What a worthwhile activity that turned out to be! Funnily enough the democratically elected Mr Popular is now hankering to have the new re-written consitution revoked/ammended/decimated, which would be the ultimate cherry on the cream cake of ultimate futility.
They're also linguistic numpties which makes teaching English or learning their language a complete nightmare. As it's coming up to my fifth anniversary since I first lived amongst these (on occasion) simple minded people I think I'm qualified to comment.
It is quite ironic how when speaking their language you have to get the exact correct sound or they have no idea what you are talking about, I mean what could I possibly be saying to you laundry woman? Can you please iron my shirt too, or have you got any salt and pepper please? How does Rajadamri sound like Ratchada to a Bangkok taxi driver if you don't say Rajadamreeeeee, the other day we had to save two Chinese people who were being taken for a ride (literally), when they said Lang Suan Lum, the taxi driver took them to Soi Rang Nam. But (and this is the irony) they cannot audibly replicate anything, anything at all, I have yet to meet one Westerner whose name they get correct, it's not difficult to repeat exactly the same sound you just heard, Paul, Pon, no Paul, Porn, Paul, Ron ad infinitum. They even correct you on English words, computer, no computeeeerrrrrrrr. So I think I'm being fair with my 'occasionally simple minded' statement, especially if we restrict this view to the arenas of politics and linguistics.
The other week in the park brought a great example of niceness and dimness, these lovely old dears were cooing at Bamboo, as locals tend to do. The natives seem to be obsessed with him, I can't complain about that but it does get worrying when full blown lepers jump out the the sewer and start licking him. Anyway, back to the old dears, Dtocky went to do her aerobics and as these old dears were all dying for a cuddle of Bamboo, I took him over to their park bench. Oh, they loved him (who wouldn't?) but then they asked his name. (Oh god please don't ask for his name, I'm sure my family in England share the same feeling)
We've come to a point where we know that hardly anybody gets his name correct, they are so linguistically challenged they can't say Bamboo or Dylan even (I often wonder if there's anything they can say apart from Mai mee, jing law). Bamboo comes out Baboon (even his Laotion grandad says Baboon ffs), Barun, Bamoo, Babool, Bamoon and just about anything possible but the correct one and Dylan comes out Dirron. We have however devised a system, if they look slightly intelligent then we say Bamboo (you can usually judge a Bangkoker's intelligence by checking their eyes, sometimes you can see brain activity behind them) but usually they have that numb nut glazed look to them, on those many occasions we say Donpai which is Thai for Bamboo so at least they grasp the concept.
So when the old dears asked, cheeu arrai ka (name what please?), I checked their eyes, they appeared to be fronting a functioning CPU with a functioning light emitter display so I said (oh god why did I say it) "Bamboo", confused looks, (Oh please no, I'll try again slowly B a m b o o) Barun? no Bamboo, Bamoo? Help, Help, Eject, Eject, switch to Thai "Don Pai" now they were really confused "Don Pai passaa Thai ber waa Bamboo passaa Angrit..." I waited with bated breath, cogs and wheels turned, one of those lucky Chinese cookies almost fell out and then they got it "Bambhoooo,", "yes", "yes, Bamboo, that's it", "Bambhooo," and then the old lady in the middle started pulling a face at me like a speech therapist would and continued, trying to get me to copy her "Bambhoooo," encouraging nods and smiles looking deep into my eyes for confirmation that I have grasped how to pronounce my own son's name "Bambhoooo"
So there you go, Bangkokers must be the only people in this whole universe, that when you're introducing your own son to them they will correct you on how you pronounce his name? And before you start with your 'perhaps they were just checking pronunciation blah blah' they weren't, they established the correct pronunciation in school, I could see that when Don Pai triggered Bamboo'
So there you go.
Take it East
Toast
Check out this classy innovative state of the art gadget we have for making toast.
It's called fire.
I know my other half is Laotion and my son is half Laotion, but when exactly I became Laotion I cannot say. The realisation dawned on me this morning as I crouched on our balcony faffing around with this contraption, a lighter, some disused kebab skewers, a newspaper and a disgarded plastic nappy bag making toast for half an hour.
It's a bit like that Samuel L. Jackson line in Pulp Fiction when he says, my girlfriend's a vegetarian, which pretty much makes me a vegetarian. My girlfriend's Laotion which pretty much makes me crouch around on a Sunday morning trying to get a fire going.
I wonder if the Communist authorities will go easier on us if I explain that I crouch, if they catch is in our illegitimate relationship, perhaps this is the passport.
Take it East
It's called fire.
I know my other half is Laotion and my son is half Laotion, but when exactly I became Laotion I cannot say. The realisation dawned on me this morning as I crouched on our balcony faffing around with this contraption, a lighter, some disused kebab skewers, a newspaper and a disgarded plastic nappy bag making toast for half an hour.
It's a bit like that Samuel L. Jackson line in Pulp Fiction when he says, my girlfriend's a vegetarian, which pretty much makes me a vegetarian. My girlfriend's Laotion which pretty much makes me crouch around on a Sunday morning trying to get a fire going.
I wonder if the Communist authorities will go easier on us if I explain that I crouch, if they catch is in our illegitimate relationship, perhaps this is the passport.
Take it East
Monday, March 17, 2008
Myanmar Peaceful & Orderly - It's Official
Just when his last comment started to haze from the near indelible indentation it left in my mind, today I picked up the Bangkok Post and read.
Thailand's democratically elected Prime Minister has described Myanmar as a peaceful and orderly country with a military leader who is a good Buddhist who prays every morning... “Killings and suppressions are normal there but we have to know the facts,” said the Thai premier.
http://www.thaindian.com/newsportal/world-news/thai-premier-praises-myanmar-as-peaceful-and-orderly_10027969.html
I have that nauseous feeling again, my head feels dizzy, I want to cry out for all those poor and innocent people being systematically murdered, raped, beaten and silenced.
How can you be so close to such disaster but be so mentally distant? How can people in power be so callous? Would this man have been elected if he had said half of the things he has since taking power?
Tears for Burma, shame on Thailand.
Take it East
Thailand's democratically elected Prime Minister has described Myanmar as a peaceful and orderly country with a military leader who is a good Buddhist who prays every morning... “Killings and suppressions are normal there but we have to know the facts,” said the Thai premier.
http://www.thaindian.com/newsportal/world-news/thai-premier-praises-myanmar-as-peaceful-and-orderly_10027969.html
I have that nauseous feeling again, my head feels dizzy, I want to cry out for all those poor and innocent people being systematically murdered, raped, beaten and silenced.
How can you be so close to such disaster but be so mentally distant? How can people in power be so callous? Would this man have been elected if he had said half of the things he has since taking power?
Tears for Burma, shame on Thailand.
Take it East
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Thursday, March 06, 2008
Renaldo & Clara
This was taken with the camera phone, we were out on the Ko San Rd over the weekend and this little girl ran out and started kissing Bamboo, so we asked her to do it again and got it on camera.
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